For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.
Public Speaking and Asking Questions
This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.
Personal Peace
I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.
Finding the Source
A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.
Practical Steps
Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.
Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.
This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.
